How to Support a Survivor

Ellen Bass and Laura Davis have described the healing process a survivor experiences as she moves along the healing path. While she must do much of the work, she will want support along the way.

Here are some suggestions of what a survivor can do to progress through the stages. As well, a supporter can use suggestions from this list to affirm and support a survivor in their healing journey.

The Decision to Heal
Assure her that: she has support in her healing, there are resources available to her
there are others who have successfully made the journey

The Emergency Stage
Tell her:

• don't hurt or try to kill yourself
• know that you are not going crazy
• find people you can talk to
• get skilled professional help
• allow yourself to obsess
• do as many nice things for yourself as possible
• drop what isn't essential in your life at this stage of your healing
• create a safe area in your home
• watch your intake of drugs and alcohol
• remove yourself from abusive situations
• sit tight and ride out the storm
• remind yourself that you are brave, you're a survivor
• remember to breathe
• develop a belief in something greater than yourself
• remember this too will pass

Remembering (if either of you think a memory is on the way)
Support her to:

• find a place where she will be safe
• call a support person

Remind her:

• don't fight it remember, it's just a memory
• expect yourself to have a reaction
• comfort yourself
• tell at least one other person
• journal your memories
  

Believing It Happened
Tell her:

trust your own experiences, your feelings, your responses, your interaction, (feeling paranoid, wanting to run away, panic when certain situations present themselves, high pain tolerance, spacing out, unexplained body pain...)"
to listen to validation from others, from people she trusts

 

Breaking Silence
Support her to:

find a counselor with whom she feels comfortable and safe
join a survivor's support group

 

Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
Suggest that she:

go to a park and watch the children, recognize the vulnerability and powerlessness of childhood
listen to the stories of other survivors, allow yourself to feel the anger as you realize that it was not their fault that someone they trusted abused them and that those who were there to protect did not or could not do so.
go to a public "speak-out"

 

Contacting the Child Within
Invite her to:

imagine what you looked like as a small child and communicate with your inner child (use your predominant hand to write your adult responses and your non-writing hand to write the responses of your inner child.)
Set aside time to "play" to do things you wanted to do as a child, knowing that now you can do them in a safe, carefree environment
write a letter to your inner child

 

Trusting Yourself
Suggest that she:

write down the title "This Is What I Need to Heal" and then write down as many ideas as you can
make a list of all the things you have done to survive
affirm yourself - write affirming messages to yourself and post them where you can read them often, "I am a survivor", "I am strong"

 

Grieving and Mourning
Suggest she:

make a list of the losses that are related to her abuse - loss of innocence, loss of unconditional love and affection, loss of protection in time of need, loss of carefree time for play, loss of undisturbed sleep
express, in writing, art, music, or drama, how you feel about each loss
give yourself time, space, permission to grieve each loss, allow the sadness and the anger and the tears to come, experience the feelings you have numbed-out and repressed until now
create your own grief/burial rituals

 

Anger - The Backbone of Healing
Support her to:

speak out
write letters to express her feelings, send only if she chooses to do so
create an anger ritual i.e. make an anger collage and then burn it
find a safe way to physically express her anger

 

Disclosures and Confrontations
Support her, be a sounding board:

be clear in your own mind about what you want to say and whyyou want to say it, you may want to write it out
remember that you are doing this for your own empowerment, do not expect an apology from your abuser, from your family
gather a support group to be with you or nearby during the confrontation - you will need someone with whom to debrief after the emotional experience
even if you choose to not actually confront your abuser, express what you would want to say if you had chosen this route

 

Forgiveness
Remind her:

remember - the essential person you need to forgive is yourself. Make a list of all the things you think you need to forgive yourself for - for being a helpless child, for the way your body responded, for failed relationships, for imperfect parenting, and then hold yourself in your arms in a gesture of compassion and forgiveness
don't force yourself to forgive anyone else unless you are ready and really want to do this - forgiveness may come in the last stages of the healing journey, but it comes as a byproduct, not as a goal
beware of the old adages like "Oh, just forgive and forget" or "Forgiveness is the Christian thing to do"
recognize the difference between having compassion and acceptance and understanding for an abuser and forgiveness - there is no excuse for abusing children, the action can never be condoned or forgiven

 

Spirituality
Support her to:

find her own unique expression of spirituality
explore different approaches to spirituality
beware of fundamentalist right-wing religious groups which may paint issues as either black or white or use guilt and fear as motivators
believe in her own inner creative spirit, her own inner strength and vitality
set aside time each day for silent meditation, yoga, or deep breathing

 

Resolution and Moving On
Help her:

find things to do just because you enjoy doing them, make plans - short-term and long-term goals
to accept the reality of dysfunctional family systems
rejoice and affirm the person she is and the person she is becoming
take time out with friends
find enjoyment in simple pleasures - listening to music, walking, cooking
do what she really wants to do
imagine what would really give her pleasure and fulfillment, then go for it!!

 

Excerpts from:
The Courage to Heal
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

 

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